Love Letters
by Jasmin Kaiba
Summary: Three years after the break-up, Rory can't stand the distance anymore and writes a letter of goodbye to Logan. He isn't about to let that be that though, and writes back to start a chain where feelings are discussed until they reach a conclusion. Love is still there, but the trust is broken. Can those two ever find each other again, or is love simply not enough? Rogan/Sophie
1. Chapter 1

**Love Letters**

**by Jasmin Kaiba**

* * *

_**Part I**_

* * *

It wasn't love at first sight. It wasn't even love at second sight.

But the moment when were up, standing on a seven-story scaffolding in a ball-gown and tux, ready to take step that could very well mean our demise, I felt it. The very first stirrings of something greater that had yet to come.

As I said, "You jump, I jump Jack," and you took my hand in yours and squeezed, I knew. I knew you were the one.

And then we jumped.

The excitement of the moment and the adrenalin rushing through my system wiped my head clean of any thought. The only thing that registered was the wind around me and my hand in yours. I squeezed tighter and fleetingly hoped the ground would just disappear.

It didn't. The second my feet touched the dirt I was aware that thanks to you I had just lived through the most exhilarating experience of my life. So I took your hand and grasped it to my chest, my wildly beating heart, trying to understand what I was feeling for you. Whatever it was, it stayed with me for a long time to come.

After that whenever I saw you or we crossed paths I couldn't shake off the awareness that you'd never be just an 'acquaintance' to me and that 'friends' couldn't encompass even a fraction everything that coursed through my system when I thought of you.

Dean broke up with me. On the night of the 'Yale Male' party where you've shown me yet another side of you; my boyfriend, the only thing that kept me sane when my emotions towards you threatened to overwhelm me, simply left.

I didn't cry because I was humiliated in front of you and the other guys, or even because I had lost the man I loved; I cried because the only reason to stay away from you had ceased to exist.

And I told you it wouldn't be okay because I knew that everything developing between us from then on would one day lead to pain and a severely broken heart. But I'd been thinking of my own heart. Not even in my wildest dreams would I have thought that it might be _me_ breaking _you_ apart.

I'm so sorry I've been so selfish. I don't expect you to forgive me. I can't even forgive myself.

The love I've started to develop for you that day of the LDB event still lives within me and burns brighter each day.

I love you.

And for the first time since I've met you I know you don't love me. Not anymore. Not after everything I've put you through. It would be foolish to expect anything else.

But I beg you, even if only out of politeness, when not for old-times' sake, do not throw this letter away in disgust. Keep it, please, as proof that there was once a woman who'd loved a man with her entire being and pushed him away because 'the world' was more important than his love.

Don't write me back, please. I'm not strong enough to endure the truth. Don't even ask me why I'm writing, because I honestly have no idea why myself.

But on the behalf of the mistake that ruined my life, do keep this, if nothing than to remember me by and maybe to show your children one day to teach them to cherish love above all else.

I'm sorry I was and still am such a coward.

Goodbye;

I don't deserve to be you Ace.

* * *

_I've sat for hours, days, weeks over your letter and thought about everything that had happened since I first laid my eyes on you._

_To be honest, for the past years I've avoided thinking about you and our shared past out of the simple reason that it hurt too much._

_But once in a while, a though, a memory would resurface and I'd lose myself in what was all over again._

_It didn't have to be anything grand, maybe a joke we told each other, the way your eyes lit up when you got a new book or a movie you've always loved would come on TV caught me off guard countless times. Then I would forget the last few years and live in the past._

_When something funny or weird happens at work, sometimes I find myself thinking, "I can't wait to tell Ace," and that's usually when I remember that I _can't_ tell you anything anymore and my day is ruined. Not because thinking about you hurts (it does – so damn much, but that's not the point), but because I know that I'll never make you laugh again and you aren't there to share my life with me._

_I don't hate you. How could I? You were the first and only woman I've ever truly loved. And I do know how pathetic that sounds. But it is the truth._

_Out of all the women in my life; flings, affairs, casual relationships, one-night stands; you were the only one that opened my eyes and showed me that there was love in the world and that someone can love even me, with all my faults and flaws. Sometimes I ask myself why it couldn't have been enough. Or maybe it had been enough but we were simply too blinded by other things to recognize it._

_I know that I've done my share of wrongs in the course of our relationship, Ror. I know that I haven't been easy to deal with most of the time and that when you add my disastrous family into the picture, it's quite clear that no girl should have to go through it. Maybe I've expected too much of you. Maybe I've lived in my fantasy for far too long._

_Maybe it just wasn't meant to be._

_Though, to be honest, even after everything, I still have a hard time believing that._

_Mostly because every fiber of my being screams that you've been the one right thing in my fucked up life and it could never, ever be wrong._

_And then your letter came and I still don't know what to think._

_You've changed my life so thoroughly that I have a hard time imagining what it would have been like without you there at all. _

_You're still a part of me, and somewhere in my heart I'll always hold a memory of you. Of my Ace, the one woman this man had ever and will ever love._

_I won't have children, because I'll never marry. Just the thought of another woman by my side makes my heart screech and writhe in pain. _

_That's alright, too._

_I want to live for my memories._

_One day I'll write a book about a man who found love and a woman who stayed in his heart, if not by his side, for all times. I'm just afraid it won't the happy ending you're so fond of. But not all stories end with happily ever after, that's the tragedy of reality._

_Don't worry, you've always been my Ace and nobody could ever measure up to you._

_Maybe we'll get over this one day, though I won't be holding my breath. I just want you to stay who you are;_

_Master and Commander_

_(This time it will stick!)_

* * *

You never change, do you, Logan?

It's like it has always been, I can't even say goodbye without you having to say something about it.

I honestly haven't expected you to write back, but now when I think about it, I should have known better.

So what is it between us that doesn't allow us to stay away from each other for any length of time?

Remember back at the beginning when I told you that I just wanted to be with you, no strings attached? I really meant that, you know. But now I realize that there were already strings, too many of them. I was attached to you so much that I was ready to offer anything just to have a chance with you. You were the first I ever felt such a need for. I loved Dean and Jess, I really did. But I never needed them, not like you. It scared me and I wanted distance while I craved nearness. Sounds crazy, right?

And every time one of did something to hurt the other I run. Only you wouldn't let me get far. I'm grateful for that.

So what changed, Logan? Why did you let me go three years ago? Why didn't you hold me back? Why did have to be all or nothing?

…

I'm sorry. I don't have the right to ask such questions, but I simply have to know. I screwed us up, I'm aware of that, but we could have made it work on a distance too. Nothing would have changed. I would love you no matter what.

You know, sometimes I find myself thinking that you didn't love me enough to fight.

I know that's not true, and I hate myself for thinking that way, but still…

Maybe I should have been the one to fight that time, huh?

But I took the easy way out. I took the Lorelai way. I always do. It's in my genes or something. Like mother, like daughter, right?

She screwed up each one of her relationships. She let my Dad ho when they were kids and since then she was unable to hold onto a guy. She always got scared in the end.

While I was in Chilton, she dated one of my teachers, Max Medina. He was a really great guy and I was happy for them. He wanted to marry her. Do you know what Mom did?

She called my Dad during her bachelorette party, got cold feet and run away with me to Harvard on her wedding day!

And that trend continued. Jason, Luke and everybody in between. Same old story. Same old Lorelai. And I copied her mistakes.

I couldn't tell Dean I loved him the first time. I was head over heels for Jess and disregarded Dean completely. I let Jess walk away and didn't even try to fight, I just took it in, continued my life, just like that. I destroyed Dean's marriage and didn't bother with at the very least trying to make everything alright, instead I run away to Europe with Grandma.

And I continued the trend with you.

I convinced you to steal a yacht without telling you why and we ended up in jail. I dropped out of Yale and moved in with my grandparents. You supported me through all of that shit and tried everything to make me go back to school, but I didn't listen. It took Jess writing a damned book and talking sense into me to see my wrong doings. But I took it out on you and ran away.

I found out you slept with Honor's bride's maids while we were separated and freaked out, giving you the cold shoulder when I should have cooled down from it, and believed you when you told me you thought we were broken up. Just because I didn't consider that fight to have meant the end of our relationship, it didn't mean that you thought the same. You almost had to die to open my blind eyes and make me see that without you I'm incomplete.

But I still let you go in the end. I still lost you.

Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

She destroyed her relationship with Luke, I blew us up sky high and she told me, "It's alright, babe. Someday we'll find our right ones."

Just too bad that we'd already screwed up our chances with our right ones.

Maybe we deserved it.

Sorry, Logan. I didn't mean to write all of this, but I guess it had to be said sometime. I miss talking to you the most, I think. You understood me better than I sometimes understood myself. So please, stay the way you are, too. I couldn't imagine you being any different.

Love you,

Ace

(It won't stick, ever!)

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**AN: Enjoy, and tell me what you think. Many thanks to my fabulous beta _xshynenstarx_, for taking the time to edit this on a rather short notice. You're the best! :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Love Letters**

**by Jasmin Kaiba**

* * *

**_Part II_**

* * *

_You don't play fair, Ace. You can't just ask me those questions. You can't expect me to always do everything, put myself out there while you sit in your fucking tower and wait to be rescued. It doesn't work that way._

_And now you're doing the same thing with these letters. You knew that I would write back, damn it! You knew that I still love you and that I simply wouldn't be able to say nothing when you write a fucking letter to say goodbye!_

_But I won't be coming now, Rory. This time you'll have to leave your tower on your own, because I've had enough heartbreak to last me a life time. Each time I fought to get you back I felt as if I was just setting myself up to be hurt more. I knew you'd run again, I knew I'd have to fight again. I guess I'm a glutton for punishment and a damn masochist._

_I can't anymore, Rory. I don't have the strength. My heart can only break so many times before the damage is irreversible. _

_I'm not saying that you're at fault for all our fights, God knows that I'm the master of screw ups, but I was the only one to try and make things right again. You always just gave up._

_Sometimes I thought you didn't love me at all, if you were ready to just give up on us when we hit a rough patch._

_A relationship is not just smooth sailing. There have to be rough patches and storms. If every time you simply stopped driving when you hit a bump on the road, you'd never get anywhere._

_This isn't easy for me, Rory. You rejected my marriage proposal three years ago and now you're making it sound as if I was the one who walked away from us. I didn't, remember? I wanted us to be together forever, was ready to offer you the ultimate commitment, wanted us to be a family; but it wasn't enough for you._

_Maybe if you hadn't shut me down completely by saying 'no' so readily and giving me back the ring, but asked for more time instead, things could have been different._

_I would have given you all the time in the world, Rory. But you couldn't say 'no' fast enough._

_You weren't ready to jump that time and it hurt me worse than anything else you could have done._

_So now I'm going to be blunt, and I'm sorry if my honesty hurts you, but it needs to be said._

_I love you, Rory. But I don't trust you anymore. Back in the day I trusted you with my life – and more important – with my heart. You betrayed that trust._

_I don't know if I'll ever be ready to trust you again._

_Logan_

* * *

I guess I deserved that.

I understand, Logan, I really do. Despite how I may have seemed like a heartless bitch to you that day, I do know what you've been going through because of me.

I had three years to reflect on everything, since the very beginning and I'm very much aware of how much my behavior must have hurt you. You were the last person I wanted to cause pain Logan, you have to believe me. Call me naïve, stupid, whatever you want, but do not for one second doubt my love for you, now and back then.

God knows how much I love you, and how every second I spend away from you hurts more than the last.

Nobody ever told me that self-inflicted wounds burn the most. But I should have known better.

I am sorry if my letter had caused some of your own wounds to reopen, I truly did not wish that.

I don't know what I wanted when I wrote that first letter. I just miss you so much; I wanted to feel connected to you, somehow, I guess.

But all I achieved was more pain and suffering for both of us.

How pathetic.

I got the idea from Mom, actually. And before you ask, no she did not tell me to apologize. She never wants to talk to me about you. I do realize that she only tolerated you, God knows why.

I copied her, you know.

Some months ago, she had this weird phase where she wanted to apologize for all the screw-ups in her life. So she found Dad and the two of them spent the night drinking tequila while she went on and on how sorry she was about everything. I was stuck watching Gigi.

Anyway, somewhere along the way, she said something that set Dad off – no surprise there, even mellow Christopher Hayden has a temper and she'd always been the best trigger for it – and they fought again. Then she came home and blasted music.

One song over and over - because all her other attempts at apologies went similarly – till I couldn't stand it anymore. Carrie Underwood's 'The more boys I meet'. She sang along and got drunk. Later she explained that she really liked the part where Carrie sings, "The more boys I meet, the more I love my dog."

Of course she wanted a new dog after that as well.

It would have been pointless to explain that it has not been the boys' fault all her relationship attempts failed.

(For some reason she never tried to apologize to Grandma and Grandpa).

I'm not trying to make it sound as if our split up was Mom's fault. Sure, she might have played a role, but ultimately the decision had been up to me. And I obviously made the wrong choice.

I live in New York now. Well, you obviously know that, but I just wanted to point out that I left Stars Hollow. Not for good, never for good, but I needed a change of scenery.

After touring the States on Obama's trail, I realized that I couldn't go back there and be their little princess again. That Rory was long gone.

So I got a job in New York and moved to the big city about a year ago. It's still scary as hell, but I'm managing.

Mom is up here every chance she gets and I try to travel there as often as I can; especially now that Grandpa had another heart attack. The doctors said that he may not have long left.

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll lose him sooner rather than later. And without Grandpa… I don't know what to say to that. Grandpa has always been my crutch, my anchor. I don't know what I'll do when he's gone. Grandma is great and I love her to pieces, but it's not the same.

I'm sorry. I don't want to burden you with my problems. You probably have enough to worry about without me.

Stay healthy,

Ace

* * *

_I'm sorry about your grandfather, I know you're close. You just have to believe that sometimes the doctors are wrong and he might make a full recovery before you know it. _

_I don't know what to tell you, Rory. I imagine that our break up couldn't have been simple on you either, and one selfish part of me is happy that I'm not the only one suffering. A far worse part is gleeful because my vindictive side wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me. But that won't end our problems; it would only make more of them. However we might have ended, we once had a beautiful thing with each other and I've already said that I want to cherish that memory. Not tarnish it with more hurt and pain._

_As for your mother… I always tried not to be judgmental and I really do respect her for raising such a great daughter and for everything she'd had to sacrifice for you. But she's unreasonable and thickheaded to a fault._

_I know it's not my place to say those things, but I still will. She put me in the same category as all people from high-society and proceeded to judge me for things that I couldn't influence and had no control over. She never gave me a chance to prove that I actually might be really good for you._

_I fucked up plenty of times and my past will always be an issue, no matter what, but I couldn't have been worse than Jess, who picked up and left time and again without a goodbye, or Dean who married a girl he didn't want then took advantage of your vulnerability and made you into a home-wrecker._

_Your mother only saw the prominent last name, my father's shadow, the money and was done with me. My character didn't matter in the slightest to her. I might have been a saint in designer clothes and she would still have labeled me a rich asshole. All the people from my world are the same to her, after all._

_I understand she had a bad childhood (couldn't have been worse than mine, because Richard and Emily Gilmore could never be worse than Mitchum and Shira Huntzberger), and she wanted to get away, I even respect that. But to simply judge us all the same is not fair._

_How would it feel if I or anyone else from my world looked at her and only saw the fact that she had a baby at sixteen and judged her for it, never taking other factors into account?_

_My opinion on your mother is far from flattering, and I'll stay away from that topic as much as possible, but some matters still needed to be spoken of. _

_At the very least I'm glad that you're proving you can be independent, after all._

_New York is great, I'm sure you'll be happy there._

_San Francisco is actually very good to me, I admit. I sold the house I'd bought for us and have gotten myself a nice penthouse not too far from work. Now I'm thinking about getting a house on the beach, but I might have to move to L.A. because of my job, so I'm holding back on making that decision yet._

_I don't know if you heard or not, but my grandfather died about a year ago and left me a whole fortune, and my father's been trying to get me to come back and take over the company ever since. I don't see that happening any time soon, though. The issues I had with Mitchum back in the day still have not been resolved and till we find a common ground with each other, I'll stay away. I've proven to him that I can take care of myself and succeed on my own. Now he just has to acknowledge that, because I'm over letting anyone try and belittle me again._

_Honor and Josh have a child, a baby girl named Adele. She's absolutely perfect and precious, so beautiful too. All golden blond hair and big blue eyes. She's gonna break many hearts when she grows up. For now though, she's taken a shine to me, it seems. They visit me every few months and the little munchkin doesn't seem to want to be away from me. According to Honor her first word had been 'Ogie', because Honor always called me Logie in front of her. So I'm Uncle Ogie, now._

_Colin and Steph are getting married in a few months, can you believe that? Finn is still traveling the world. That guy will never settle down._

_I don't know anymore, Rory. All that's happened between us cannot be undone. You can't take away the pain, no matter how much I would want to._

_But I would like it if we could at least be friends again one day._

_This is me reaching out. It's all can offer you. I don't think we as a couple will have a chance again. Even trusting you on a friend basis is going to be monumental for me at this point._

_Everything else is up to you._

_Logan_

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**AN: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews on the first chapter. I hope you enjoy this one too.**

**As always, many thanks to my amazing beta _xshynenstarx_; I don't know where'd I'd be without you.**


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